What am I doing, anyway?

Over the course of the past few days, I've been pondering a lot about my present situation, how much time I spend on my computer, the state that my apartment is in, etc.... Plus, some of the conversations I've had with a few of the people I know online have made me realize just how much of my own life I have been missing out on.

I'm at an age now where most people are starting families and living fulfilling lives with those they love... However, the last time I was in a somewhat fulfilling relationship was about four years ago. She was in a position of having to decide between me and her ex, and he won out in the end. Ever since then, I have not really even cared about love or real emotional intimacy; I keep telling myself in the back of my mind that I want something more fulfilling with my life and yet I still end up in so many meaningless relationships which only exist out of base physical attraction, or a mutual boredom. If we don't call each other a month, or sometimes even days later, it's all the same, as we are no worse off than before the chance encounter. It has gotten to such a point now that I cannot even muster up the emotion to let myself become attached to anyone in the real world since I simply cannot deal with the consequences of things should they become serious.

That, of course, leads directly to the next thing that is on my mind: I find it far easier to confide and show interest in someone online whom I have little to no chance to meet in the real world, than to say the things which need to be said to those who are directly involved in my life. Even when, in the deepest part of my soul, I truly believe in the things I say through the distance of the internet; I can't help but wonder if I would be able to express those very same feelings in person. I foolishly reassure myself that if it's through the indirect interaction of the internet, then the person on the other end will likely only receive the sentiment as being nothing more than words on the screen, and feelings cannot be hurt that way. I am such a fucking coward.

But then, the "emotional freedom" the internet provides isn't the only thing to blame for my detachment to everything and everyone. I have always been a quiet, soft-spoken individual who, given the choice, would far rather be not noticed at all than noticed in a negative light. I have always calculated my every word, made my every decision in such a way that my intentions cannot possibly be misunderstood... and yet, by making my choices through logic rather than feelings, I have ended up isolating myself from the rest of the world around me in such a way that is nearly impossible to repair so long as I remain around those who know only of the side of me they have been presented with for so long. Adding to all of that the fact that I live by myself in an apartment with no direct neighbor (the apartment next door is empty, and mine is above a garage which is used only for storage), and one may get an idea of just how lonely this way of living is.

The worst part of all of this is that I know exactly the things which are wrong with me, but I have no idea how to go about fixing them without some kind of direct guidance. It has been several years since I actually knew someone who was willing to give so much effort toward trying to make me a better person... and I managed to screw up that relationship horribly.... and I have doubts that I will ever be able to find another woman who would be willing to put up with my crap long enough to teach me how to truly love someone again. I suppose it's merely human nature to keep making the same mistakes.

I'm sick of being such an asshole.